Breaking Down The Madness
by RWhitewings
Summary: I love Twilight but sometimes you just have to make things a wee bit funny. So this is what happens when things start Breaking Down . Oh Dear. Lol enjoy Comments please they make me happy inside.Chap 3 up used to be called When Edwards Internal Sat Nav B
1. Edward's Sat Nav

AN: This was fun to write hope you enjoy. It's a joke people i love twilight so don't take it too seriously. I may write a few others depending on how people take to this one

"Goodbye Bella" he said in that same peaceful voice.

Bella sadly and pathetically reached out for him which if anyone was watching would either find heart wrenching, amusing or just plain embarrassing. Edward removed her from his person the same way a person removes a leach- with an expression of pure disgust.

"Take care of yourself" he said half-heartedly.

Then poof he was gone to the envy of all magic acts which had no hope to achieve such a convincing vanishing trick.

Bella collapsed to the forest floor killing an innocent worm who's wife and family will miss him dearly.

R.I.P Mr. Worm you shall forever be remembered...

A moment of silence please...

Darn it Bella stop sobbing! It's disrespectful.

Bella was sobbing her ickle heart out curled up in a ball of pure agony.

Only a few minutes had passed since Edward's disappearance when suddenly Bella heard a noise.

Edward traipsed through the clearing ignoring Bella on the floor. Bella sieved his ankle.

"Edward you came back for me! I knew you still loved me" she cried happily.

Edward looked down at her slightly confused. Like he wasn't completely sure how she'd ended up there. He jerked his leg as if trying to get rid of a small yappy dog that had latched on to him.

"No Bella my internal Sat Nav simply sent me in the wrong direction" he said finally throwing her off.

Bella stared up at him completely distraught.

"No! Don't leave me!" she sobbed crawling after him as he calmly walked away looking bored.

Then before Bella could jump him he once again vanished.

Tada!

Leaving Bella to all the emo joy she could ever wish for.

A few minutes later Charlie looked up from the game he was watching to see Edward Cullen tapping on his window.

Charlie reluctantly got up and opened the window.

"Hello Edward what are you doing here I thought you were with Bella" he grumbled.

"No I left her crying on the forest floor, I just though you should know, By the way could you point me in the right direction of my house?" said Edward looking dazzlingly confused.

"That's nice of you to tell me, you live that way" said Charlie pointing a finger in some direction.

"Thanks" said Edward with a grin.

"Hey kid why don't you come in and watch the game with me?" said Charlie.

"Ok what about Bella?" asked Edward not concerned but thought it would only be polite to remind Charlie who's memory may not be what it once was.

"Oh, don't worry I'll get those La Push kids to find her after the game she'll be alright" said Charlie dismissively.

"I'll just go round to the door" said Edward.

"Why bother what are windows good for?" said Charlie sitting back down on the sofa.

Edward shrugged and climbed through the window to join Charlie on the sofa where they both enjoyed the game.

The End

AN: Giggles.. sowi.


	2. He Tastes Like You Only Sweeter

**This is a little extra from the first chapter.**

_Bella heard a voice calling her but she ignored it even as two great arms picked her up from the floor._

_"Edward" she cried heart broken_

_"Don't worry Bella" said Sam "You'll see him again on page 451 and all the fans will when rereading New Moon skip the next 300 hundred pages till they get there but you'll have to wait many, many months"_

_And with this Bella went into zombie mode WHOO!_

**AN: I'd like to say that I will be holding Mr. Worms funeral (as requested by xxJxROxx) soon but I'm very busy and have yet to sort out all the arrangements. I'm back at school tomorrow (oh joy) so it's a bit hectic. For now however I have chapter two. **

**(By the way most of the stories will be about things breaking down in the twilight saga so I may rename the story breaking down)**

**Dedicated to** xxJxROxx (hope you like)

He Tastes Like you only Sweeter

(When Jacob first kisses Bella something unexpected happens)

Jacob lips crushed Bella's in a heated kiss. Jacob was kissing her not with love but with anger showing her that his kiss was better than Edward's that Bella should choose him. He grabbed the back of her neck pulling her closer parting her lips with his own.

Jacob gentle gently slipped his tongue between Bella's parted lips then stopped abruptly. He pushed Bella away then slapped her across the face.

"You dirty Leach lover you even taste like him" said Jacob wiping his mouth furiously.

Then he spat at Bella.

"Go away run back to your blood sucker tell him he can have you" he said disgusted.

"But Jake you're supposed to mope over me for one and a half more books you can't give up on me now" moaned Bella.

"Ew go away Bella you stink and you taste bad" said Jake.

"But... you're going to imprint on my daughter" said Bella in one last desperate attempt to tie him round her little finger.

"Like hell I am... if she tastes anything like you (Jacob heaves a little) I'm going to go get a free will and fall in love with someone who isn't related to your retardedness" said Jake leaving Bella in the rain crying.

Yet another fun filled day in the life of Bella.

Dedicated to Lillian Masen (hope you likey)

...

Edward pushed Bella out of the way of Taylor's oncoming truck without thinking. Suddenly as Bella's head hit the concrete with a nasty thud he realised what he'd done wrong.

"Taylor" he cried his voice heavy with concern.

He pulled off Taylor's door and pulled Taylor into his arms.

"Taylor! Taylor can you hear? Me tell me your ok?" cried Edward .

"ow.." moaned Bella sitting up.

"Shut up you only hit you head" said Edward stroking Taylor's hair.

"Edward dude let me go... it's not cool" complained Taylor

Then the ambulance came and took Taylor and Bella away.

"Don't leave me Taylor" Edward called desperately after the ambulance.

Yet another fun filled day in the life of Edward.

AN: If anyone would like to request something i can see what i can do. Thanks for reading.


	3. Umbrella

**As promised xxJxROxx lol. **

**Thanks Lillian Masen for reviewing TWICE i love you (not in a scary way)**

Umbrella

The song Umbrella by Rihanna played as Bella was lowered into the ground.

I was singing it in my head hopefully so a certain someone wouldn't know what I was thinking

"When the sun shine  
We'll shine together  
Told you I'll be here forever  
Said I'll always be your friend  
Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end  
Now that it's raining more than ever  
Know that we still have each other  
You can stand under my umbrella  
You can stand under my umbrella  
(Ella ella eh eh eh)  
Under my umbrella  
(Ella ella eh eh eh)  
Under my umbrella  
(Ella ella eh eh eh)  
Under my umbrella  
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)"

I stood holding my umbrella in my cold gloved hands. The rain poured down as if it was laughing at me- which wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. I glanced around the grave yard trying not to meet any eyes worried that if Edward concentrated on my thoughts he know.

If he could read my thoughts; which there was a small chance he couldn't. I shivered and stared at the grave that had the name: Isabella Marie Swan engraved on it.

I was suicidal coming here but I was not here for Bella I was here for someone else.

An overwhelming amount of guilt swelled in my chest it was my fault Bella had died but Bella herself had also gotten herself into this mess.

I reflected on the events of the last week.

I had been called to the Forks when a friend of mine Mr Worm was tragically killed in a knee collision. That knee belonged to Bella. I had not thought of revenge at the time in fact I thought of it as an unfortunate accident.

Of course I had not though inviting Mr. Worm's Australian cousin Mr. Snake would cause any problems.

But I am blonde and I have no common sense so I had not thought of Bella magnetic quality when it came to danger.

Mr. Snake disappeared shortly after we arrived in the Forks and it was not until the day after had I heard about the events that unfolded after his disappearance...

Mr. Snake sought out revenge and followed Bella to the edge of a cliff in La Push which Bella planned to thrown herself off. But after deciding she liked living a lot more than a painful death she turned away from the cliff edge where Mr. Snake was waiting venom pooling in his mouth.

Mr. Snake managed to get one venom filled bite of Bella.

Bella got bitten but not by the set of teeth she had wanted.

However Mr. Snake's venom was slow moving so Bella had time to run off into the forest. This is where she got lost until a mountain lion smelled her delicious blood and fancied her as a snack.

Which is why I was here now.

Moaning the death of Mr. Worm who has now been put to rest and supporting Mrs.Worm and her children through this terrible time.

But also voiding the Cullen's like a bad smell in case they realise I'm the crazy fan fiction writer who wrote all this.

Suddenly Edward golden eyes locked on mine – Oh Crap!

Does he know or his he just wondering why I'm standing with a group of insects and snakes other a miniature grave.

...

This could be the end...

Or so I thought.

Suddenly Bella came stumbling through the grave yard.

"Damn I thought I wrote you off" I said too loud.

That's when I looked up from the miniature funeral – into the enraged eyes of six suddenly very peeved vampires...

...

(AN: I'm still up for requests cliffy lol i think this and the next chap are the only ones i intend on been in hahaha actually i might just leave my part in it at that and you can all imagine what happens next... lol)


	4. Sneak Previews, Myspace and Aim

**Myspace and Aim**

**Ok so my myspace (especailly for fanfiction and so on) is **

/raewhitewings

and my Aim is RaeWhitewings.

feel free to ask questions on aim and stuff i'll be happy to hear from you.

I'll be putting updates on myspace and little extras such as pictures and videos.

Thank You. Please add me (I'll be putting sneak previews on myspace - thats it Rae bribe them) on myspace and aim.


	5. POSTPONED

**I'm putting all stories on hold apart from the new one Unwell which i'm about to post up. i have a reason for this i find i get distracted by the others and with 'are you ready for a miricale?' out of the way i'd like to concerntrate on Unwell. so all stories that have this message posted on them are going to postponed until further notice.  
**

**Unwell is a AH OC story about Bella who is in therapy, her Doctor carlisle cullen trys to work out how to help Bella with her problems. As he does he realises that he is also giving therapy to a Edward who is claimed to be ' the cause of it all' by Bella. but as he hears both sides of the story can he figure out a way to fix these broken teenagers and bring the two back together again before it's too late.**

**Please read it i promise it will be good as i think i'll put a lot of work into this one as it has a lot of meaning to me. **

**if anyone has any questions about any of my Fan Fic or the upcoming story please comment or mail and i'll be happy to respond providing i don't have to spoil anyone. **

**Thank you for reading xxx**


	6. Before he runs away like a stupid coward

**AN : Okay so i know i said i wouldn't be addnig anything but i wrote this and it seemed to fit in here. its not as good as the rest and its not in time order so it's sort of a stand alone crack fic. you gotta love bella when she gets mad... my way *evil grin*. i may even at some point continue from the sorta story line i formed at some point. **

**Disclaimer. not mine yada yada yada.**

**  
"That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,  
carved my name into his leather seats...  
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,  
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...**

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats."  
**(Before he cheats - Carrie Underwood it seemed appropriate :P)**

Edward stared in utter disbelief at the sigh in front of him. Bella was walking along side his Volvo keying it. She was scratching her name into the side of it looking impassively at her work.

"Bella what it the name of all things good do you think you are doing to my car?" he exclaimed.

Bella slowly turned to face him, she looked sleepy and unconcerned but he could also see the underlying anger.

"I'm scratching my name in it I thought that would be apparent with all your wonder vamp senses" she said coldly.

Edward wondered who this person was and what she had done with Bella.

"Yeah Bella… but uh why exactly are you doing that?" he said carefully realising she maybe having a mental breakdown.

He cringed at the sound of more metal been scratched as she craved a rather offensive sentiment on the boot of his car.

She scoffed at him "like you don't know the answer already, what's the matter didn't except goose little Bella to get angry that I'd curl up in a ball and cry? Or did you just think I wouldn't find out until you told me you planned on leaving Edward?"

He could hear the venom in her voice and if he had no been indestructible he would be worried about suffering personal harm as the key glinted in the light.

"Uh.. Bella who told you that?" he asked in a way that you might handle an explosive substance.

She shot a death glare at him that if he was sure could send a mortal six feet under.

"Alice…" she hissed "seems your family think your as much of an idiot as I do"

She put the keys back in her pocket, Edward sighed with relief hoping she was done with her arson. She walked round to the front of his car where she had left a baseball bat leaning against the bonnet,

"Bella if you put the bat down I'm sure we can discuss this sensibly" Edward said taking an unsure step towards her.

Her eyes were wild as she glared at him as she lifted up the bat. Edward cringed as she continued to deface the car.

Edward glanced up at the window only to see his family watching with amusement,,,

Great he thought no ones going to come to my rescue.

Bella finally finished beating Edwards car beyond recognition left him flabbergast at what she had done. Not only had she killed his car but she'd managed to do it without harming her self. She trotted past him to enter his house where Esme had already made her a well deserved cup off coffee.

Putting her feet up on the sofa she made herself completely at home as his family joined her in the living room as if this happened everyday. He thought maybe she had calmed down now and he could try t talk sense at her. However when he entered the house he was greeted with cold glares…

It was going to be a long day…  
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to leave Bella afterall.


End file.
